In a futile attempt to relieve my increasing boredom (and hopefully yours) after being forced into home-based isolation, I’ve decided to write a weekly blog. The blog is essentially a review of the past week, with details of my own personal discoveries and also the goings on of the world at large. So before you dismiss it as another tool to speed up the demise of your already paper thin boredom threshold, I implore you to give it a read. What else is there to do?
This week I have made the following discoveries,
1.Gardening isn’t as much fun as you think it is, until you find the skeletal remains of the previous owners family pet in your flowerbed.
2.Personal Hygiene drops down your list of priorities when forced to stay indoors.
3.Liam Neeson’s film characters are very unlucky with their on screen kids and he will literally act now in any old shit.
- Boris Johnson is the most key worker in the country as he gets an instant Coronavirus test when displaying symptoms.
- Donald Trump can claim that America is the best in the world once again.
- People are still acting like arseholes during these worrying times.
If we were all truly honest with ourselves we would admit that gardening is in fact dull. Sure it’s nice to be in a beautifully sculptured garden with perfectly manicured lawns and everything, but the dedication and hours that it takes to get to that stage is frankly tedious. In an attempt to convince my neighbours that the unkempt garden is in no way a reflection of what our house looks like on the inside, I made an attempt this week to get the weeds under control. Mid-way through my digging I happened upon a black bin bag with something weighty nestled inside. I initially thought that a black bag had somehow been buried in amongst the soil and it was the soil itself that weighed it down. My wife on the other hand wasn’t convinced and immediately made a hasty retreat to the opposite side of the garden whilst screaming DEAD ANIMAL! DEAD FUCKING ANIMAL, WE’RE LIVING ON A PET CEMETARY!!! Being the curious guy that I am I decided to be brave in front of the missus and have a peek inside, praying to god that it wasn’t human remains I was about to discover. It did appear to be the remains of an animal, a big fucking animal, an animal that was definitely rideable when alive judging by the size of the leg bone that flopped out of the bag. I can only assume that the previous owners kept Great Danes or Shetland Ponies, but at least it was an interesting end to a usually bleak task.
My hygiene standards have slipped a little over the past week with there being no urgency to get up and leave the house anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m still washing my hands regularly and vigourously enough so that they resemble Alan Sugar’s ballbags after a long bath in cold water and broken glass, but my bath’s are getting later and later in the day. I haven’t shaved in three weeks and look somewhere between a Mexican pimp and Eastender’s Ian Beale midway though his very believable “homeless” storyline. My hair on the other hand seems to be fully aware of my inability to visit a hairdresser, as it seems to be growing at a rate I have never previously witnessed before. In three weeks time my wife will be sitting on the sofa watching Masterchef next to a pound shop Jesus, surrounded by his new pet flies.
Last night I watched the Liam Neeson Film Non Stop for the first time. Now I know that in a lot of his films his “particular set of skills” often come into play, but it appears parenting is not one of them. We all know how the Taken film pans out (and if you don’t, shame on you!) where his daughter is kidnapped by human traffickers. He then hobbles and creaks around for the duration of the film smoking fools in the hopes of tracking her down. We learn midway through last night’s film that his daughter died of cancer at the age of 8. Now I know he can’t be held responsible for his daughter’s death to cancer, but when you glance back though some of his other action films you realise that there seems to be a running theme. In the 2019 film ‘Cold Pursuit’ his son dies under “Mysterious Circumstances” and in the 2015 film ‘Run All Night’ his estranged son is abducted by a mob boss he works for. This leads me to believe that in the film landscape he should be discouraged from planting his cursed seeds or at least be thoroughly questioned by child services.
Regardless of his movie offspring dropping around him quicker than Gemma Collins on an ice rink, I am also concerned that our old friend Liam has gotten into this nasty habit of agreeing to act in any old shit that’s tossed his way. Come on Liam, you’re better than that. You were Oskar Schindler for god’s sake! You’ve gone from leading the oppressed Jewish people to freedom to a vengeful snowplow driver feuding with the leader of a drug cartel called ‘Viking’. Sad Times.
In a week where Boris Johnson tested positive for Coronavirus, here in the Oliver household we asked the question, how did he manage to get tested so damn quickly considering the strict rules surrounding the process? Surely those on the front line like the NHS workers and the volunteers should be the ones getting the speedy testing? Why is he any more important at this particular time? I understand that he’s the one having to help negotiate the difficult decisions at the moment, but he isn’t endangering his own life every day by looking solemn and unkempt in front of a lectern is he.
Donald Trump can definitively claim this week that America is top of the pile once more. Sadly the claim of now officially having the highest reported amount of confirmed cases of Coronavirus is nothing to brag about. Do you still believe that the American people will be getting back to work “pretty quickly” now? You inflamed Baboons ass. Although in typical Trump fashion he did his best to question the claims by casting doubt on the figures coming out of Beijing, because as we already know that any news that casts America or himself in a bad light is “Fake News”. It’s times like these where I long for the days when reality TV personalities stayed on TV and only ruined a small number of peoples lives at a time. I shall personally look forward to welcoming Harvey Weinstein into the oval office in 2043 when he gains the presidency, whilst we’ll have just appointed the ghost of Jimmy Saville as our new PM.
You’ll be pleased to know that despite the serious nature of our everyday virus filled lives, there are still those in the community who refuse to take the situation seriously. There are those that think a family day out to the Lake District constitutes daily exercise and that an “essential” trip involves a picnic at the park. Then we have the charming little angels claiming to NHS workers that they have Coronavirus, before coughing in their faces as a joke. Thankfully these morons and their dribbling parents, who bumped uglies in a Weatherspoon’s car park to shit them out into this world, are likely to be prosecuted by local police as a result. Those with parental responsibility who fail to keep their children inside will also face prosecution according to Warrington police. Seriously how dumb do you have to be to not get it? STAY INDOORS! Exercise is encouraged within easy reach of home and not in another county, and picking up something you bought off of EBay is not classed as an essential trip. I do however have an idea to lighten up even the dullest day in our imposed solitude. The police should round up all of the mouth- breeders that still don’t seem to realise how serious this whole business is, and bea them live on television from Trafalgar Square with concrete encrusted Tampons taken from their families stockpile. Or we could erect a Wicker Man made out of toilet rolls? I’d happily donate several of my own limited supply to watch that take place. Anything has surely got to be better than sitting on the sofa watching The Voice hasn’t it?
Well there you have it. Week one of The Lockdown Diaries has come to an end. Join me next week for more of my musings and in the meantime keep safe people.
Miserable Musing. 