Eastenders has always been renowned for it’s Gritty Realism and hard-hitting storylines, I mean Dirty Den died twice and if that’s not realistic enough for you then may I suggest watching something else. So you can imagine my surprise when I read an article in The Telegraph in which the shows executive producer says that Eastenders needs to be updated in order to reflect modern London. He goes on to say that we’ll start to see the Shoreditch effect creeping in, meaning the upcoming middle –class area will start having an influence over the square. Surely they’re not going to introduce another wine bar? We all know what happened to Wilmot-Brown when he tried to turn the Dagmar into a classy establishment don’t we? He burst into flames. There’s no need for any more fireballs in the square, I’m still reeling from the one that needlessly engulfed Steve Owen’s car when Phil Mitchell was chasing him. Do car’s explode like that after a ten mile an hour collision?
So maybe the inclusion of some professionals in their 20’s would be a good addition to the show, but somebody thought Danny Dyer would be, so who knows what they’re thinking.
The original Albert Square was based on Fassett Square in Hackney, which was deemed to be the ideal setting for working class East End community spirit. Three years ago a terraced property in that area went for a staggering £729,000, so I think the fat lesbian, formerly known as Ian Beale, will have to sell a few more chips before he can move out of the square. I’m not sure if there is any community spirit in the East End these days as it’s an ever changing environment, which ultimately means it will become even more trendy, and everyone knows that middle-class London is a sea of po-faced gits, who like to ignore others.
May I suggest a few ways in which Eastenders could regain it’s National Television Award for best soap?
Firstly I would introduce all of the residents to a new fangled piece of technology, which the rest of the world lovingly refers to as a WASHING MACHINE!!! It’s 2014 for god’s sake; people living on the bread line know how to get their priorities straight. You buy a Washing Machine, a 50” plasma television and leave enough cash for booze and ciggies. Food and clothing for your twelve children isn’t a priority.
May I also suggest some other place to have your wedding reception rather than the Queen Vic? and that doesn’t mean the community centre, nightclub, or that “posh” Indian restaurant on Market Street. Just because you live in a square, doesn’t mean your life has to revolve around it.
Which brings me on to my next point. Why doesn’t anybody work in the city? Nobody seems to commute to work and the only time the tube is used is when somebody is leaving that shouldn’t be, or when somebody arrives that nobody wants back. People in the East End aren’t all aspiring market traders and pub owners.
Maybe the shop could stay open until the early hours and maybe we could have a bit more ethnic diversity. In all seriousness thanks for the one token black and one token Indian family. Maybe a Chinese woman in the Launderette is the way forward? No it isn’t, how about a few Asian families?
The East End also has such things as Supermarkets, Butchers and Bakers, yet nobody goes anywhere other than the mini-mart, and all they sell is milk, tins of fruit, bread and newspapers. Not even so much as a jazz mag in sight.
Maybe next year the residents of Albert Square could enjoy the Christmas period, without any exploding crackers or light aircraft destroying the Launderette? It’s just a suggestion. Maybe some nice stuff could actually happen; maybe a baby could be born without being stolen or facing imminent cot death?
Which brings me down to my last and most obvious point. Since it’s inception in February in 1985, there have been over a hundred deaths with 23 killed, 17 dying in car crashes and 38 from natural causes. That doesn’t account for the cancer sufferers, the infant deaths, the heart disease victims and those that died of AIDS. I know people die but do they really have to be hit with ashtrays or impaled on a rake at the allotment? Surely you want to encourage new folk to move into the area, but as it stands Albert Square is like a poisoned chalice, much in the same way that Jessica Fletcher was in ‘Murder she Wrote”. If Jessica had stayed away, more people would’ve lived. Maybe a couple of limbs could be lopped off to start with and then the whole ‘violent death’ thing could disappear for a bit? It’s definitely worth a shot.
Now that Eastenders has been dealt with I’m off to face my biggest challenge yet. Surely those at Hollyoaks realise that there are more than four middle/old-aged people in every village? Some of them are even quite unremarkable and ugly. Don’t even get me started on Doctors, I’ll leave their ‘Jane Austen’ themed episode for another time.
This was written by Craig Oliver, 38 years of age, born in East London, whose father was born within the sound of Bow Bells. I knew what a washing machine was from an early age, I commuted to work into central London for twenty years and never once aspired to be a market trader or pub landlord. Nobody in the area where I grew up was impaled on a rake and nearly all of the deaths were because of natural causes. None of my family had been involved in a serious crime (to my knowledge) and it is impossible to die twice. That is a representation of everyday life. Eastenders is not.
Miserable Musing. 